Day 25: I Won!! Or Did I?

I have to admit, when I originally set out on this quest to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, I was thinking I was doing just that. I thought, heck yeah - I should be able to do that, if I concentrate, stay motivated and believe in myself, I can do it! And I did. Absolutely.

Around noon on Day 24, I hit the 50,000 word mark! I was engrossed in a pretty intense scene, it was coming together, I was having fun. Then, out of the corner of my eye, a little ballon pops up in the corner of my Scrivener page that says "Project Target of 50,000 words reached."

Holy Shit! I did it! I reached the 50k mark! Which in NaNoWriMo terms, means I WON! Since November 1st, I never had a doubt that I would reach it. I may have had doubts about the quality of work, but never that I wouldn't be able to make that mark. Still, the rush of adrenaline that I felt was ... well, nothing short of fabulous! I finished the scene that I was working on, then went downstairs and did a happy dance in the kitchen and high fived my husband and son. I celebrated with tasty turkey soup and hot chocolate and then went back upstairs to write some more.

After all, the story isn't finished yet.

Which now brings me to my next point. Why, NaNoWriMo, did you choose 50k as the word count? I read somewhere that they chose that amount because it was the average length of a novel. Really? All the places that I've researched, as well as my Scrivener program, says that a 50k word count equates to roughly 140 paperback pages. I don't know about you, but I have no idea the last time I read something that was only 140 pages. Maybe "Because of Winn Dixie", who's target audience is grade school.

And now for the honesty bit. I am feeling disappointed. I believed that 50k was the average novel length and that my story was probably going to have to be 2-3 books. And I was good with that. But now, if all the other sources are correct, I can probably fit it all into one without any problem. Which is ok, I just thought I was nearing the end of an actual novel. Anyway, I feel like I was being delusional when I thought I would write a novel in one month. Nope. That didn't happen.

That being said, here's some more honesty for you. Regardless of my lower lip extending out in a 5 year old's pout, I am still completely in love with writing this novel! Yes, there have been times when I felt stuck, like the story was coming out like a sideways birth, but more often than not, it's incredibly fun! I love the world of stories! I love watching them unfold, enjoying the journey, discovering the truths and the lies. Right now, no matter what happens with this novel or anything else I do or don't do in the future, I am contributing to this process. I laid awake in bed this morning thinking about my story like I do any book that I'm reading but haven't finished yet. My characters are living to me. Their situation, while definitely fantasy, is real to me. The only thing that's different is that I'm the one at the keyboard. It's my fingers that are striking the keys. I am making a contribution to a world that I love. And for that I am eternally grateful!

So what now? I figure a more realistic word count is somewhere in the neighborhood of 100k words. If I did 50k in 24 days could I finish by Dec 31st? Yeah, I think that might be pushing it. I had a vacation and a four day weekend in November. December has one extra day off which I will likely not be writing through. The month is consumed with my favorite holiday of the year. But, being the accomplishment oriented gal that I am, I know I need to set a new target, so might as well do that one. If my story wraps up before the 100k words, or if it's almost but not quite there at 100k, that's cool. I'd rather have a target than some malleable, free floating idea or a "someday" thing.

And when I type the figurative "The End", I can officially call myself a novelist. And there will be cake!

Day 19: Stuck or Fine?

It seems to me someone, somewhere had said that writing a novel is a manic process. And if they didn't, I'm saying now. Someone else can quote me. Or not.

Here's the thing, at times the story flows and I'm just along for the ride. My characters know exactly what to do and say, situations make perfect sense and I don't even realize that I'm typing. I'm reading. That's how smooth it goes. Other times I put my characters in a room, or on a mountain top, and they look at me like I'm a complete idiot. I might have said that before. It simply bears repeating. Anyway, the story doesn't flow. It's staccato. It's sharp, jagged phrases that come out arthritic. Today, my writing definitely needed some Icy-Hot. Arthritis all over the place.

It's felt like that for days now. I don't know what's going on. I feel like I'm definitely in a slump, one that is irritating the crap out of me. I'm getting words in, the story is progressing, but it's like yanking a baby out of the womb who's too comfy to leave. It comes out kicking, screaming and just generally pissed off. Where's my gentle water birth? Ok. Maybe that's a bad metaphor. See what I mean?

I've taken the time to go back and read over these painful scenes, and honestly, they're not half bad. I wouldn't call them brilliant by a long shot, but there's some goods in there. So what's the deal? Is my writing stuck or is fine and it just hard right now because it can't always be like I'm reading? Maybe.

It also bothers me that I can't tell how close I am to the end of the story. Do I split it in two-three stories or do I try to fit it all into one. Have I said that before, too? Again, maybe. I feel like I'm thinking in circles and writing in triangles. If that makes any since. It probably doesn't.

I'm going to bed.

Today's Word Count: 1,476
Total November: 43,599
Words to Hit 50k: 6,401

P.S. If you run into my characters on the street, please tell them to be nice to me. I'm trying really hard.

Day 15: Reflection

Ok, after a rough morning, I did get some writing going. My characters are out of their slump and stuff is starting to happen again. The idea that my story has holes right now really bugs me though, and I can't help but think I would have been better off with a stronger outline, one that goes into more detail about the ins and outs of what's happening in the story. Less of a skeleton. It needed some meat. But, not much I can do about that now, but move forward and catch it all on the rewrite.

I can't help but wonder how this works for "real" authors. The ones that are privileged to call this their vocation. The ones that stay home to write, that create novels, rework them, send them to their breathlessly waiting editor. How much do they accomplish in a day? I remember reading one that said that her goal was 600 words a day. Ok, so that was her minimum, but seriously? That makes me wonder if I'm writing crap or if I'm just able to pour a bunch out - prolific. Maybe it's both? Eh...

Today I wrote just over 3k words. I had this idea in my head that if I stayed home, didn't leave for work, I would write tons. All that time, typing. It just didn't work that way. I run into walls, I try to tell my characters what to do and they look at me like I'm dumb. I write something I really like, then stare at the screen for a half hour before I realize that I don't "have" it at the moment and take a break. I seem to be good for a two hour stretch. And maybe I can fit in two of those two hour stretches if I handle it right. Beyond that, I'm one dried out sponge.

Oh well, what can I do? I know there's no right or wrong way to do this, but the doing is the important thing. And I have to say, I am having a tremendous amount of fun, even when I'm feeling a bit frustrated. So, there is that!

Today's Word Count: 3,050
Total November Count: 38,692
Words to hit 50,000: 11,308

Day 15: Morning Grumblings

Even as I sit here writing this post, I know I should be working on my novel. I've made incredible progress, as of last night over 35,000 words in 14 days, and I have to be proud of that! But I feel like my story is in a serious slump and that I've created lame inconsistencies in my plot line. Which is frustrating.

A huge part of me wants to go back and rewrite the last 10,000 or so words, or at least do some serious revising. This is the Soccer Mom I mentioned earlier, who strives for ridiculous perfection, and expects nothing but the best from her little girl. I think my hippie mom is sleeping in, or her head is too foggy to make a strong argument, because she's not being very convincing. Probably a side effect of her laid back nature.

I feel like I should have planned this story out a little bit better. It was going along so great, getting to the fun and adventure part of the story line, my characters were telling me what they wanted, it all made sense - and now they are just foundering in this cabin looking at me like I let them down. "You're the author, what the heck do you want us to do now? You've beaten this idea to death, move on already!"

I hear you, I'm just at a loss of where to go now. Poo.

So, I guess I need to find a new mother in me right now. The one that's encouraging to my soul, the one that whispers in my ear, squeezes my shoulders and says, "You got this, I believe in you."

Come on, inner Mom. Help me out, will you?

Day 12: Rituals I Have Adopted

I remember when I bought this desk that I sit at now. It was right before I turned 40. I had a grand idea that this was the year I was going to get serious about writing. I asked my Mom to join in with me, she also has a love of words, and she was turning 65. Perfect. Those were some good milestone birthdays to get some real stuff done!

We wrote some, I think she may have wrote more than me. I kept thinking of getting myself set up, the things I needed to do while writing to create the mood or inspire the muse. It didn't take long for the flame of my newly sparked passion to douse, probably under the weight of lofty expectations. Anyway, the desk became a place that would look at me out of the corner of it's eye, sticking it's tongue out. Yet another reminder that I started something and didn't finish.

Damn it.

However, I can happily report that this is where I do the majority of my writing today. I've reached the halfway point in my novel. This is the furthest I have ever gotten and I have plenty left to say! What thrills me, among other things, is that every word I write, I take my story closer to completion. It's inevitable. Much like when I ran (or rather jog/walked) the marathon the very next year, before I turned 41, there came a point where every step I took was the furthest I had ever gotten. It's exhilarating!

What's also funny is that I've found I've adopted some writing rituals. Much like the things that the "how to" books told me I should, I had unconsciously created some atmosphere at my desk (or of course, what I like to call my Second Floor Office. Because it makes me laugh). When I'm ready to get down to business, I make sure I have a beverage at my side. This is either water, coffee or tea. Surprising to me, this is never wine or beer. It just doesn't seem right. Like drinking and driving. I light a candle because I like the smell. It's winter now and everything is trapped in the house: dinner, dogs, four teenagers. You get the picture. Plus I've been negligent in my cleaning duties. Then I flip on this lamp that shines a bright green light on my face. Don't ask me why, it won't make much sense, but lets just say that it makes me feel comforted. I may roll my stocking feet on a spiky foot massager, take a drink of my tasty beverage, think about what the heck I'm going to do to my characters next and dive in. In about two hours I've likely humiliated, empowered and enlightened them just a bit. My job is done for the moment. I smile, blow out my candle and take a break. Lovely.

Today's Word Count: 4,296
Total for November: 25,820
Words to 50,000 Goal: 24,180

Day 10 - Explaining...

Forgive me if my post here is a bit flat. I've been in my head for nearly four hours now, writing and trying to explain elements in the story which are not easily explainable. I finished two very difficult scenes today, ones that I was not really looking forward to because I knew they would be tough.

This is right about the furthest point in a novel I have ever written. I get to this point - the explaining point - and my confidence takes a side step. In the past, it checked out all together. I loose steam, loose the drive. I loose faith. My inner critic whispers in my ear, letting me know that I was dumb to think I could write a novel. "Who the hell are you to write a novel?" he says. "Your ideas are stupid. They don't hold water. Anyone who bothers to read this crap that you're writing is just going to laugh. Or worse, they won't say anything at all and change the subject." My critic is very convincing. Ask my three other novels. They'll tell you.

My critic definitely showed up today. He sat behind me on our bed and laughed under his breath when I tried to explain what was happening to these kids. He told me my dialogue sucked, that my idea was juvenile and that I was never going to get anywhere.

Then I punched him in the face and kept writing.

Is what I wrote any good? Honestly, I have no idea. But I wrote it. I got past the explanation scenes. I got past the doubts and kept writing. Maybe I'll go back and read it later, see what I have, but I think I'll not do that for a while. My inner critic might come back for revenge. For now, he's nursing a broken nose and a broken ego. Serves him right.

Today's Word Count: 3,647
Total November WC: 17,625
Words to go to hit 50,000: 32,375

Day Eight: Moving On...

Ok, it's way past my bedtime, so I'm going to make this short. I think I know part of the reason why I was so weirded out by writing the scene where all the kids die. Yes, there was definitely finality to it, and it was an odd place to be, the person that creates and decides this fate. But also, I hadn't the foggiest idea how I was going to transition to the next phase of the story. I was stuck, or struck. Not sure which, but there I was.

The answer came to me this morning while I was in the shower. I used to think that I was the only person who felt that her muse was the shower, but come to find out, those mindless tasks that you do every day open you up to ideas and answers that had eluded you earlier. Anyway, as I massaged shampoo through my hair, the solutions started coming to me. As I dried off, another piece of the puzzle presented itself. I considered skipping my morning pages and almost went straight to writing down what I had discovered, but the thought of missing a day of those pages seemed like a particularly bad idea - especially now.

So, I used them to work out my thoughts. At 8:30 tonight, I finally got the chance to sit down to my computer and breathe the new life, the next era, into my novel. And it felt really, really good.

Today's Word Count: 1,778
Total November Count: 13,978
Words to hit 50,000 Goal: 36,022

Day Seven - I've Killed the Kids

It took exactly 898 words to kill 60 kids and three adults. It took two hours, an Italian meat panini, a cup of mango tea and a whole lot of rubbing my forehead. I hope I wiped my fingers off before I rubbed. There may be panini juice on my skin.

So, now that's done. And I feel weird. I wish I describe what I'm feeling right now. I'm honestly not sure. These are the things I know:

• My characters are not real, they exist only in my head. But I still feel like a creep for killing them. I made them up and it was my idea.
• I've been in a pretty serious car crash, I do know what it feels like. This is a bus crash and mimics one of my personal fears - sailing off a high bridge. Did I do it justice?
• I killed my kids. At this very moment, they are all dead. I feel stalled. I have plenty more to say, but I feel like I need to not say anything else tonight. Is that out of respect? I have no idea, but it feels that way.

This is weird. I'm not trying to be dramatic, I'm not trying to make more of it than it is, I honestly just don't know what to do about this or the weird feeling that I have about it. 898 words to kill 63 people. Somehow, that bothers me. It shouldn't, but it does. 

I'm going to sleep on it. Hopefully, I will find the way to roll the story into the next phase. 

Todays Word Count: 898

Total Nov Word Count: 12,200

Words to hit 50,000: 37,800

Day Five is Done

I can't stop thinking about how I'm about to kill off a bus load of teenagers. I wrote a few more early scenes tonight, dug a little deeper into a few of the relationships, and I'm realizing that tomorrow I'm going to have to do it. They are about to board the bus for the last time and with some (hopefully) carefully orchestrated key strokes, 60 kids are going to plunge to their death in the exact same way that I run through my head in my own nightmares: off the edge of a tall bridge into deep icy waters.

And that's when the real story will start.

For now, they'll keep. Frozen in the grocery store parking lot until I let them get on the bus. They'll get comfortable, they'll get warm, they'll die.

Am I a creep?

Not going to lie, I'm a little weirded out by the whole thing. But the story that's in my head depends on this one thing, so I'm going to have to do it. Hm. It's also election day. If I were more politically minded, I might draw some connections, but I'm naturally suspicious of all politicians, so I don't think that matters to me much.

Anyway, sleep tight. I'm actually saying that to myself. Everyone else is in bed - and if someone is actually reading this well ... either sleep tight or hope you slept well. Tomorrow is the day of the dead.

Today's Word Count: 2,925
Total Nov Word Count: 10,565
Words to go to hit 50,000: 39,435

Day Five's Morning Thoughts-Shooting for Trees or Stars

Ok, I'm going to warn you ahead of time that this may be a meandering mess of thought, but's 7:18 in the morning and I need to get dressed and get my butt off to work - however this idea will not leave me alone and I feel like I should simply put it here and let it go so I can have some peace about it.

How do I even start?

So, here's the thing. I have this feeling that there are those that feel that it's better lower your expectations about what it is that you're doing in order not to get your heart broken when you don't reach or achieve your dream. I think this holds true for most endeavors in people's lives, but I think the creative ones are particularly afflicted with this premise because the thought of making money doing something outside of the "norm" and that's fun seems like a long shot. And it probably is. Does that mean you shouldn't try?

Hell no.

I was thinking this morning about people who say, "write for fun, don't expect to get anywhere with it, just enjoy the act." I know this is also said about creating music, creating works of art, etc. And yes, there certainly is a point in this. However, why can't you write for fun and strive to achieve greatness at the same time? Why couldn't you pick up a guitar and play with conviction, wanting to succeed in what ever form that success means to you? Why can't we want both for ourselves? Because if we don't achieve our goals, become published, support ourselves with our art and still enjoy it, we will be heartbroken?

That's crap.

What happened to living life to it's fullest potential? Loving with abandon? Because it hurts when it's taken away? Yes, we are human and we will get hurt. If you open yourself up and try, take chances and end up getting hurt, crushed even, isn't that better than walling your heart up and never feeling anything?

So, for those who say it's better to lower your expectations and not get disappointed when things don't turn out the way you think they will - I say, that's fine if it works for you. I would much rather shoot for the stars and land on the treetops knowing that I gave it all I could than to shoot for the tree tops, land there and look up at the starts always wondering "what if". I would rather break my own heart than to not let it feel the thrill of simply being alive.

And because I feel this is important, I've decided to wait to kill off my bus load of kids. If I do it now, no one will care. I need to take a few steps back and better establish my characters and their relationships. Because once that bus crashes, there's no going back and the reader better damn well care about that - or should I say, I'd better give the reader enough so that they actually can care about it, otherwise I'm just hanging out on some branches. I better strive for some atmosphere here!

Day Four

Perhaps I should be posting every day how I feel about the process of writing a novel in 30 days, but I have a feeling it's going to be way too repetitious. So, perhaps an update every few days or when something is changing, or it simply occurs to me would suffice.

Four days in and I have to say, it's going really well! I already told you that day one was great, it was actually more than I had expected. The second day I attended my first "Write In". I had imagined this was going to consist of several like-minded writers banging away at their laptops, feeding off of each other's creative energy. What it was, for me at least, was very distracting. I'm finding that I really have to have very little noise around me in order to hear what the story is, what my characters were saying. I need to dive in, submerge, and come up for air only when I need to. This paddling and splashing around on the surface was frustrating for me. I applaud those that can write that way, I just don't think I'm one of them. That day I wrote a scene, consisting of 1,800 or so words. So it was still productive, but I felt a bit disconnected from what I was doing.

Day Three held a different kind of activity, entailing moving my mom into her new house. This was an all day event, with my husband, my son and two of his friends helping. I think I can speak for all of us when I say that by 5pm that night, we were all exhausted, sore, but felt immensely satisfied. Anyway, I was super tired so I took the day off.

Today, Sunday and Day Four, went really well. Here's the thing. I wrote a scene which dug a little deeper into my characters, giving the reader (assuming at some point someone other than me will read this) some more background and idea of who these people are. Then I took a break to find a way to watch the Walking Dead.

I know this has nothing to do with writing a novel, but I'm determined to find a way to watch that group of survivors meet up in this new prison place and battle zombies and human nature. I do not miss having regular TV at all. We have NBC and a couple others, so I'll watch something from time to time, but I really don't care about TV. I do care about these dang survivors and their stories. It's really irritating to me that I can't stream the episodes on AMC's website, watch them on Hulu or Hulu Plus, or rent them from Amazon without buying "Prime" service, which is about $100. I thought I'd bite the bullet and buy the episodes on ITunes, but the stinkin' HDMI cable that I bought doesn't want to work. We hooked up the Mac with a regular monitor cable and an auxiliary cord, but all of the episodes are in HD and the monitor cable can't handle it. So, I'm frustrated. Is it too much to ask for a good show to be watched in some normal fashion on the new fangled TVs without having to fork out $100 plus $3.00 an episode? For cryin' out loud.

But I digress. After dinner I headed up to the Upstairs Office and wrote the next scene. I think it's pretty good, showing areas of future regret for my main character as well as some decent foreshadowing. The next scene is where I have to kill off a bus load of teenagers. In a way, I'm really excited to write that! In another way, I'm a bit terrified I'm not going to do the scene justice. It's the inciting incident in my story line and if it's not done well, that would.... well, it would suck.

However, I'll remind myself that this is a first draft and I can go back later and revisit the fatal bus scene and make it scarier or more vivid. Tomorrow night is another Write In. This one is at a different location and I'm tempted to give it a shot, maybe it will be better this time. But considering I have to kill 60 or so people tomorrow, I might want to do that in the privacy of my own home. I'm not sure how I'm going to react. ;)

Total November Word Count at the end of Day Four: 7,640
Words to go to hit 50,000 goal: 42,360

NaNoWriMo Begins!

November 1st has finally come! I waited patiently all day, even exercised after work, made and ate dinner. I was biding my time until I can go to the Second Floor Office and begin my novel. I'm not going to lie, while I was eating dinner I was having doubts that I would be able to spit any words out at all. I had no idea, no first line that comes spilling out. I'm usually good at first lines.

When the time came, I took a minute and said a quiet prayer, that Jenna and the other characters will show up, the scenes will reveal themselves. Then I sat and stared at the blank page for a couple minutes, trying not to think "Crap, this isn't happening." But then it did. The first sentence came. Then the first paragraph. About an hour and a half later my first scene was written. I was laughing, I was excited and a little heartbroken. Perfect!

Today's word count: 2,226 words. The average daily word count to get to the minimum of 50,000 words is 1,666. I'll admit it, I like the little cushion I made for myself tonight!