I think that one thing I can do is attempt to point out the good that has come from this. While many can argue that no good can possibly come from such a small and innocent soul from leaving us all too soon, I have to disagree. Finding the good in things is in my nature, it helps me to cope, to understand. This trait of mine sometimes drives my kids nuts. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to talk to them when they're upset only to get a look that clearly says, "Shut up." My son has told me more than once that sometimes he just wants me to say "I'm sorry, that totally sucks and is not right". It's a confirmation and understanding that he needs. I catch myself and repeat that phrase back to him, then explain that finding the good is the thing that helps me to get through stuff I don't understand. When a stranger is rude to me, it helps me to not take it personal. When I make a mistake, it helps me to learn. When I feel hurt, it helps me to put it into perspective.
Seth's passing is still really fresh, so I feel my perspective is short sighted, but I can't help but try to find some good. It may not bring answers, but it does help me to feel at least a little better about the day I'm experiencing. And maybe finding the good is like finding some answers. Maybe. I know there is much more than what I'm listing here, but these are the things that are occurring to me today:
1. My Daughter's Strength. I relayed my feelings about this to a dear friend of mine this morning and as I wrote it, I couldn't help but be grateful and humble to be a part of her life. I talked to my daughter the day after Seth's passing and asked her that when she finds herself struggling and feeling lost that she remembers moments of incredible strength she has at her core. When she realized that Seth was trapped underneath the fallen dresser, she acted. She lifted the heavy oak dresser with a strength like probably came from adrenaline and immediately began CPR. Though she never took official lessons, she remembered what she saw on House and did her best. She paused only to call 911 and continued with the compressions while on the phone until the paramedics came. She told me later she was was relieved to see them giving Seth CPR the same way she had been. I can't begin to fathom what that was like, but am so in awe at how she reacted as there are so many other ways she could have. She could have panicked, froze, been to distraught to act, or not tried to give CPR because she didn't know how. But the strength that resides in her core allowed her to focus through her panic. This is just one moment I've witnessed from her in the days since this happened. I watched her in the hospital expressing concern for her fiancé and family members. I watched her set aside her anguish and fear to hold her dying son in her arms, to curl up with him in bed. I watched her and her fiancé move through wave after wave of emotions and both trying so hard to be understanding and respectful of each other and those around them. I watched them walk around the reception hall yesterday after the service, making sure to talk to all the friends and families that came. It would have been easy to avoid, to hide, but their courage and character is stronger than that. I know that they both have very hard days, weeks, months and years ahead. Days when the pain and sorrow will feel larger than I can conceive. My hope is that they remember the moments of strength that they possess in their core. That this memory helps to see them through.
2. The Love of People Connected to Us. I've written on my Facebook page my gratitude for all those who have poured their love, understanding and support for our family during this time, but it really does bear repeating. It is so appreciated and is definitely something that can be categorized as "good". It's something that touches my heart any time I see people band together for a common good. I think about 9/11 and remember how differently people acted on that day. Even in busy San Diego, all the way across the country, I witnessed people being uncommonly courteous to each other. It was a moment in time that petty thoughts were pushed aside and we thought of our nation as a family. While what has occurred to us is small and personal and not comparable to the tragedy of 9/11, I still feel that a sense of family and community was felt during this time. People that I didn't know, that my daughter didn't know, were praying and pulling for us. I don't think I'm wrong in believing that there were a few more hugs and words of love and appreciation to their own families. In my book, that's always a good thing.
3. The Amazing Strangers. I may never know God's plan, but I have to believe that he placed the exact right people in place to help my daughter's family, to help all of us. I normally don't like to discuss God, as I feel my relationship with him is very personal and doesn't necessarily follow the "rules" that others believe, but I feel it's important to acknowledge my beliefs here. I am a proponent of "everything happens for a reason" and I trust that he has some overarching plan here. I don't know all or possibly any of what that is, but based on the professionals and people that came into play during this time, I have to believe that he placed them here to help. My daughter has told me that the detectives that came to their apartment that day have been so caring. They've been in contact with her a few times since, checking in on her, they speak to her like she is their friend. The nurses and doctors at Sacred Heart were amazing, but I really was touched by the night nurse. She was both caring and sensitive as she was strong and firm. The Child Life Specialists were gentle and helpful, providing various copies of Seth's hand and footprints, providing emotional support and strength as well as some physical reminders to hold on to. The funeral director was so open and kind, taking in and guiding my daughter and her fiancé as if they were his own kids, connecting with them on a personal level. They met with the pastor who resided over the service a few days prior to it and connected with him as well, deeply moved by his compassion for them. I am so thankful all these people were in place. It would have been so much harder if even one of the individuals were uncaring or too business like. But they all helped. And that is a good. I hope one day I can be a good stranger to someone.
4. Seth's Gift of Life. This is also something that I posted on my Facebook page, but I can't discount it here simply because I said it there. This is definitely something that's not just good, it's amazing. The thought that three children have a new chance at life because of Seth fills my heart with hope. The women representing the organ donating organization (boy, I'm sure there's a real name for it, but I don't know what it is) stated that less than1% of people who want to be organ donors actually can. It depends on timing, what has occurred and how. This is a piece of the puzzle that makes be believe in the larger plan. It's a tangible thing that can be grasped. This goes beyond good.
5. Deepening Family Relationships. As with the love of people connected to us, I feel a deepening in my personal relationship with my immediate family. I do not want to discount the love of my parents and my siblings, my extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins. Their support has been incredible and I feel that without it my life would hold far less meaning. I am in special gratitude to my parents and siblings - in blood and by marriage - they make me proud to be a part of this family. What I want to point out here is my relationship with my husband and our kids. I find myself wanting to reach out more than usual, to accept more than usual, to show appreciation when I can step aside from myself long enough to do so. I feel in the last week I've been fairly self indulgent in my grief - and some would say that is normal and ok - but part of me wishes that I had been stronger, that my heart and my mind would have worked more harmoniously, that I could have been more of a pillar than a pile of sand. Regardless, my husband and kids showed wonderful respect and grace, even as they were going through their own long list of emotions and reactions. This last week I have grown to love them even more than I already had. And that is definitely a good.
I know there are far more things I could list, but I already feel like I'm babbling. But I guess if I have to babble, maybe it's a good thing to want to babble on the positive side rather than the dark side. After all, the babble brings attention and power to the good. And I would rather send it there than to the sad.
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