I've said before than I tend to be a very impatient person. Not with people mind you, but with my direction. Part of this, I believe, is that I'm always looking forward. The future is fascinating to me, rich with possibilities and dreams. The future holds the key to what I should be doing now. If I can see the end result, I can better prepare and take necessary steps today. Simple.
It's impatience that plagues me when I don't have the answers to the future. I don't have the plan, the thing I know I should be striving for. The what and the why. With the death of my mother, I thought I had a fairly clear picture of where I should head. It hadn't changed much from before her death, and if anything it got a hair clearer. The death of our Grandson, however, muddied my waters and nothing was clear. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I was searching so hard for answers, for meaning. I needed that path so I could direct my energy forward. Present was not pleasant, so to speak.
I've had so many questions, and I don't really think I've found many answers, but I've had some thoughts that feel right. Nothing can change what has happened or change how sad Seth's death makes us feel. However there's always one thing within our control: how we respond to events in our lives. This is the one thing that any of us has the power to choose.
I have little idea now what my future holds for me, or what direction I should take. Do I keep writing my novel, in one form or another, or is there something else that I should be doing? They say that grief sometimes makes you face your own mortality, makes you take inventory of your life. I believe this is what is happening inside of me. The one thing I absolutely know is this: I want to make a difference, I want to make it count.
I feel that the time is right to take a step to the side from the forward looking practice and look at the present day instead. To live with intention. What if I decided to challenge myself to seize opportunities to do something good each day? For example, today I've been thinking about a professor I had a few years ago when I took a Stress Management class. While most of the things that were taught were common sense, there were some things that I learned that helped me a great deal, mostly concerning how different types of people communicate. This one man changed the way I perceived myself and the world around me. Wouldn't it be nice if he knew that? If I were a teacher, I'd appreciate it.
So, this is what I'm going to do: I'm going to send him an email and let him know the impact he had on my life. This one thing, this small thing that will take me all of probably 15-30 minutes of my day at most, could possibly make his day. I don't expect anything in return, I don't need to strike up an ongoing conversation, but this one thing is a good thing to do. And I like that.
Which makes me wonder, what might be the good thing I do tomorrow? I'm not sure. I know my work day is going to be crazy busy and I may feel drained by the end of it. But perhaps, somewhere in the middle of it, a few kind words spoken at a time I'd normally stay quiet and keep my nose to the grindstone might be the ticket. Perhaps it's being more present with my family that evening instead of being wrapped up in my own head. Maybe I'll push some shopping carts into the corral on my way into the store. I'm not sure. I'm not even sure that I can remember to take opportunities every day.
But maybe part of the point is to try.
So, that's what I'm going to do. To try. To see life now as an opportunity. It's a precious gift and not one to be squandered and taken for granted. I want to lean another language. What's stopping me from doing that? I want to let people know how much they mean to me, what's stopping me from doing that? I want to spread some good in this world. What's stopping me from doing that? Usually the answer is "I don't have time, I have other things I have to do". Well, how long does it take to learn one word a day? How long does it take to buy a bag of pretzels out of the vending machine and leave it in some random cubicle with a note that says "enjoy"? Not long, I think. So I believe I should try.
Speaking of which, I have an email to write...
Patience is not one of my virtues either. I hear you. And so impatience has lately pushed my mindset into the future rather than the present. As you said, my present wasn't pleasant. While things have not been nearly as bad for me as they have been for you, the present still has not been a place I have wanted to be. My significant other is on Deployment. I live in a state where every day people ask me, "Do you hate living here yet?" Oh, and did I mention that I produce Junk-Mail for a living? Yeah, I annoy people across the country by giving them one more colorful package of paper to throw out each day. So, needless to say, the future was more appealing. My boy would come home, I would get out of this industry, out of this place, etc,etc, blue skies and happy rainbows.
ReplyDeleteBut then the future became my enemy. It started demanding that every minute I need to do something that will make my present situation change. Maybe this will make me one of those success stories on the internet, then I can give up my dayjob. Or maybe if I do that I can segue my career into something awesome, or maybe- maybe- but it just became too much. My little ventures weren't panning out and the pressure to do Something in this moment continued to build.
One of those ventures was to write a book. Much like you, I started writing as a kid, and it's one of those things that has just never taken an exit from the back of my mind. So, when my Sailor left for deployment I decided that I would write a book before he came back. I've had ups and downs, I've had splurts of inspiration, and spans of lines that came from who knows where. Good or bad as that may be. But the main things that have held me back in this process are:
1)Questioning my motivations for writing. Am I writing because I love it? Or is it just some desperate act to manufacture a career change?
2) A fear that if I put down the wrong words now, the rest of the book will crumble later. Recent experience with another book attempt had jaded me. What's to say that I can do things right this time?
So I held off writing,for days- weeks at a time, waiting for that "right" moment to write.
At home I drove myself insane with accusations of making zero progress, and at work: each day became more and more unbearable. There is a minuscule smudge on the back of this credit card offer? Who really cares?? The end user is just going to throw it in the garbage anyway.
(It seems my rambling has gone over the character limit. Rather than taking the hint and shortening this message, or finding another means to send it, I am simply going to cut it in two. Stand by :)
(Part 2. In the event that this is posted above Part 1 of this comment, please read the other part first :)
ReplyDeleteSo then one day I got a call from someone, we talked, I felt a bit better, and she gave me the address to your blog.
I had some spare time at work, so I sat down to read through the first entry. Before I knew it I had read through the entire blog, start to finish. Everything you've done, everything you've been through, all of the progress you have made despite juggling a family, a job, and still finding time to exercise, it was just incredible to me. And your incredible attitude through it all! I felt so inspired, and so excited, and just relieved and encouraged to know that if I could just put something down on the page, it didn't have to be perfect, then maybe I could get somewhere. So I started really getting excited about writing again. Not because of some far flung career ideas or anything, but because this is a challenge that means something to me and I want to see it through to the end. And thanks to you I know its possible.
And then a couple days later I had my one year review with my manager. I received a 5 out of 5. Incredible! And exciting as that was, that wasn't what I was most excited about. As we went through the review, the things I supposedly did well that continued to come up were thing where stuff I did right made life that much easier for all the people working with me. Whether the job had taken ten hours or one hour, the customer would have seen the same end result (in most cases). But to the people I work with, when I did my job right, it enabled them to do their jobs right. When that happened we could all get through our day without tearing hair or gritting teeth because we had to go back and redo things five times over. So that's when I got excited about my job again. That's when I decided that I'm not going to do my best for the client or for the people who get these things in the mail. (Thought technically that's what I should be doing :) I'm going to do my best for the people I work with, because they are in the same boat as me, and if I can make their life that much easier, then that will make my day.
So I just wanted to say, thank you so much for your blog. Thank you so much for being such a positive and outstanding influence. You've become my hero, you really have. I hope that everything goes better for you and for your family. I hope your book doesn't have to settle for the trees, rather it finds its way to the stars. And I'm looking forward to seeing what the future brings to you. You are someone who can definitely bring the positive to any present :) I wish you all the best! Hang in there!
-Paula
Hi Paula,
DeleteFirst, let me just say - wow! Thank you so much for your kind words and your excitement! It honestly means the world to me and it's not something I expected.
I hear a lot of me in what you're saying. I'm not sure if you want some opinions, but some of the things you said struck me, so I thought I'd let you know what I thought of them. Maybe it'll be food for thought.
I know what it's like to not see a lot of value in your job, I've had many that I've questioned and sometimes struggle with the one I'm in now. It's not it's a bad job, just maybe not the one aligned right with me. Anyway, one thing I've learned over the years is to value what I like to call the "intangibles" of your job. These are the lessons that you learn indirectly from the tasks you perform. For you, an intangible that your job is giving is the understanding that you have a gift for making things more efficient and you've found out that you care about the success of your group as much as you're own. It's not about credit card offers, it's about how you've helped your teammates. That's an intangible and very valuable no matter where you go. I've had many intangibles in my day. My all time favorite is learning that not everyone thinks like I do. It has been a tremendous help in my life, and while it was a hard lesson to learn, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
About your writing, I honestly feel a little awkward because I have yet to finish my own story. I think I've finished the first half, but who knows? Anyway, I believe that the things you love will never leave you alone. They can go dormant for years or decades, but they are a part of your soul. And guess what? Writing is not going to leave you alone. So, my advice, for what it's worth, is to write when you can and try your best not to expect brilliance. Instead of being scared that the writing isn't "good", be concerned that the writing is honest. I would rather be honest than brilliant. And who knows, maybe they coincide at some point. I sometimes like to equate things to music, as it’s another love in my life. I think about artists like Bob Dylan and David Byrne of the Talking Heads and Jack White. Then I think of someone like Barbara Streisand or Mariah Carey. You may or may not be familiar with these artists, but what I’m trying to get at is there are singers that technically suck, but they move me in a way that few others can. Then there are singers that have incredible voices, but can’t touch my soul. They reach plenty of other ones, but not really mine. Maybe it’s the words, the melody or simply the emotion behind it. Does it matter? I’m not striving to be Steinbeck or Morrison, but I hope that sometimes something I write strikes a chord with someone who just happens to need it. My other joy with writing is that I’m contributing something to an art form I love. I get to give back - even if it’s only for me. And, I have to say, that reward is not too shabby!
Try not to get too wrapped up in manifesting your future. It will drive you nuts. If I’m learning anything, it’s that you can’t necessarily cram your intentions in a hole in the ground and shout at it to grow into something fabulous. Enjoy what you do, don’t force it. Your junk mail job is bringing in income and giving you experience. Use the time that you have away from work and while your man is out to sea, to explore who you are and what you love. If you want to write but the words aren’t coming, finger paint instead. Procrastabake, go for a walk, but give yourself permission to enjoy your moments. There’s a lot of good in them.
Take care, Paula! And thank you very much for writing!
Sheila
I think it's funny that you say, "I hear a lot of me in what you're saying." because that's exactly what I think whenever I read your posts!
Delete"Intangibles," I like that! I've never had a word for it before, and now that the concept has a name I feel as though it has suddenly become so much stronger, and clearer too with your explanation. I've always looked for value in my job, and I take a lot of pride in the sheer amount of technical knowledge I've gained over this last year, but I've never stopped to consider what I've gained personally. And you're right, maybe my gift is in making things efficient. That's a really cool idea to me. And y'know, I've always thought of myself as a loner. In fact, when I was interviewing for this job I was worried that I wasn't social enough to handle the day to day contact with so many people. But you're right, I really have learned a lot about working in a team and putting my teammates ahead of me. And its coming back around now, because as I'm getting ready to move to a new apartment this weekend I have so many great people offering to help. (Which means a lot when I'm so far removed from my usual support structures back home.) It's great to know that I am gaining so much more from my job than simply technical knowledge! My heart feels really warm now :)
That is so true. Sheesh, everything you say in this post is true, haha, but I guess what I'm saying is that I hear what you mean with the music analogy. I see the same thing on Youtube all the time. I make a lot of videos for my own Youtube Channel, and I'm constantly looking through new and old Youtube videos to learn what makes them tick. What differentiates a good one from a bad one? And I learned that the technical ability of the Youtuber means almost nothing sometimes. I have seen technically terrible videos that were incredible, and vice versa. If a Youtuber isn't in love with what they are creating, you can tell. So that's what I always strive for when I sit down to make a video every week. I say, "What can I do that is honestly an interesting idea to me?" My videos only get a meager number of views, and I'll admit, sometimes it hurts to see something I'm so proud of receive such poor results from the community. But at the end of the day, I look back over the content I've created, and I'm so happy because regardless of what the numbers show I know that I love what I made and I'm excited to keep making more. Same thing with my writing. To look back and see all of those words on the page, words that I put there, it brings a smile to my face every time. Which reminds me of a fantastic Neil Gaiman quote I heard the other day, "If you decide not to make things, all you've done is deprive the world of all the stuff that only you could have brought to it."
It's like you've been watching me! I guess I should stop shouting at the hole and start watering it, huh? I promise not to drown it this time :)
Yes, there is always so much good to be found in the moments, and so many incredible ways to find them!
Thank you so much for all of your incredible input Sheila! I mean it, you always know what to say and how to say it. I feel like a clumsy schoolkid following along and tripping a bit as I try to give back, but the act is honest and eager all the same! You're incredible!
Thanks again. I hope your day treats you right!
-Paula
Ah, you're most welcome Paula. Thank you for writing!
DeleteAnd hey, we're all clumsy school kids now and again, aren't we? ;)
Take care!!
Any time :)
DeleteHaha, so true!
Thanks, you too!!