Ready, Set....

Well, here we are, NaNoWriMo Eve! The night that means trick or treating, ghosts and goblins, pizza and candy to most is actually the remaining few hours until the very first word that launches the novel writing frenzy. There are several Wrimos (nickname for those who participate in the madness) that lay down their very first word at 12:01 am on November 1st. I, however, will not be one of those people.

I've long since lost the ability to be cognoscente at the wee small hours of the morning. I may be awake, staring at the insides of my eyelids and trying to will my mind to quiet long enough to fall asleep, but doing anything that requires actual thinking is not my forte. No, I'll be patiently waiting until after work, well after dinner for that matter, to begin the process. Likewise, my word count on day one is very likely not to reach the daily average of 1,666 words.

I'm honestly not as prepared as I think I should be, but I have enough to know where it is I want to go and who's going to take me there. I have the bones of an outline, with about 12 or so steps through the plot line. I've found about 9 or so of my characters, they've introduced themselves and let me in on a couple sub-plot lines that could be intriguing. What's really kind of cool is that in the program I'm using, Scrivender, you can add photographs to the research area. So, I Google Image searched for pictures of what I had in mind, and low and behold, there were my characters, just waiting for me. I don't want to post them here because they are somebody's niece or dad, but honestly? It's really cool to see all of the people that I imagined, to find their photos among regular folks, all lined up like they were a cast in a movie. I'm not gonna lie, I liked it!

So, while I could be working some more on plot elements or fleshing out my biggest bad guy, I'm actually really tired and feeling like it's probably a better idea to rest tonight. Instead, I'd like to say good night to October with some thoughts from another author. Here's to the journey!


"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do that by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

-Mark Twain

Better Today

Somehow I managed to go to bed last night in one of those "skim the surface" type of sleeps where I problem solve all night. This is in spite of having what I like to call "Special Tea". This wonderful concoction was introduced to me by my husband and more often than not, creates a lovely deep sleep. This tea (one shot whiskey, hot water, lemon juice and honey) is used sparingly as I don't want my body getting any ideas that if it doesn't have the tea, it's not going to sleep - or that the magic of the tea will be diluted over time. Unfortunately, Special Tea was not up to the challenge of my whirling mind last night.

All night I was trying to solve the problem of needing to write, needing to work, needing to spend time with my family. It's a good thing that I found out before bed that the offhanded remark about not spending time with my family anymore was intended as a joke. Little did my husband know that this very statement opens up an incredibly deep wound, which obviously it hasn't healed. I trust he understands that now and will remember my puffy swollen face and snotty nose before deciding to use that for a joke. He's a good man, I'm sure he will.

I spent the morning writing about plausible solutions until I just started irritating myself. What exactly was wrong with my original plan? Not much. This is something you will probably learn about me. I'm honestly a very logical person, can be very even keeled and have a solid ability to focus and get the job done. Inevitably, somewhere in the process, I will have a meltdown - or two - or three. This is my moment to open the door to the teenager inside who has been told to buckle down and do what needs to be done. The logical mom says, "Sheila, you're going to be just fine if you do this and this and this. Do not worry, it will all work out and you will be proud of yourself!"Then at some point, the door gets opened a crack, teenage Sheila comes bursting out all messy and irrational. She gets a moment to let her emotions fly, bawl her eyes out, stomp her feet, whatever. That is, until she realizes that logical Mom is right. Then she calms down and gets to work.

Tonight I was able to get the framing done on my outline. I have my acts and inside chapters broken down, with high level descriptions of each. This is a huge step. I've never outlined an entire novel before, only short stories and papers. I actually found it quite fun once I had an idea of where I wanted to go and why. I feel like the premise and major characters are fairly set and now the outline is sketched. Hopefully within the next two days I can flesh out a few scenes for each chapter and think about minor characters. If divine lightning strikes, perhaps I can get an idea of subplots. That may be wishful thinking - there's only two days left!

So, the point is, I feel better now. I've calmed down, feel like I made some progress and am ready to try again tomorrow. It's now 10pm, about an hour after I normally go to bed, and my brain is buzzing. And yes, I am having Special Tea again tonight. Don't judge.

Sanity Check - Fail

What the hell was I thinking?

This phrase is almost like a mantra to me sometimes. I want that clock pendant thing that Hermine in Harry Potter had that let her do many things at one time so she could get more done. Here's the deal. I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I'm an analyst. I'm a writer. I'm at least those things, give or take the order, everyday. How in the hell am I going to be all these things to everyone, and still be myself? How did I think that spending a bunch of time writing, and maintaining a good paying job, and not neglect my family was going to work?

What the hell was I thinking?

Am I giving up on the idea of writing a novel in November. No. Have I gotten much done this week? Anything done this week? No. I've spent the week either doing things that were outside this process that were extremely important to do, or being exhausted. I don't regret any of them. I'm just saying, it's Sunday night, 9:10 pm. My family feels neglected and I haven't written one word.

What the hell was I thinking?

I want to cry, I want to throw something, I want to defy the need to sleep so that I can still fit writing into my life and not neglect my other roles. How does anyone do this?? November 1st is in 4 days. I have a premise, an idea of plot points, some character notes, no outline whatsoever and the look of disappointment on faces when I say I have to go do some writing stuff.

Sometimes I wonder why God gave me the desire to write but not the ability to take the time - or at least take the time and have it not affect my relationships. It sometimes makes me so crazy. Sometimes literally. I'm scared I'm going to give up because I feel guilty about the time taken from my family. Which is the reason/excuse I always give up. Sometimes it's valid, sometimes it's fear of failure. In this case, it's likely a mixture of both. I am unprepared and feel like I'm stealing from my family. I have to figure this out.

Well, I told you I was going to document how this process was going. The good, the bad and the ugly. What we have here is a 2-in-one. It's bad and it's ugly. I'm petitioning that the rename that saying to "the good, the fantastic, and the not so hot". Then maybe more good will happen.

I'm not giving up. I'm just incredibly bummed at the moment. No worries though, I'm sure I'll get over it. And maybe some magic fairies will also come clean my house. That too would be nice.

I'm My Own Soccer Mom

I seem to have turned into my own Soccer Mom. I don’t really have to explain that right? Well, just in case, here’s my thought on this. For whatever reason, I am very competitive with myself. I don’t really care how I measure up to others that much, but up to myself? Look out! I continually strive to be a little bit better, to always do my best, to improve and to grow. Consequently, I’m very motivated by achievements. Not money, not fame or popularity, but reaching whatever goal or bar I’ve set for myself. Not too bad, right?

This actually works out really well for me. I tend to not get hung up on things like “am I making as much as So-And-So”, or "Does anyone like me or think I’m wonderful?" Those things are lovely, don’t get me wrong, but I honestly don’t care that much about them. What I do care about is, “Am I doing the best and all I can do?”. For whatever reason, disappointing myself or not obtaining the level of work that I’ve set out for myself really bums me out. Honestly, it’s probably some deep seeded thing in my childhood, not wanting to disappoint my parents. Not that they ever set huge or crazy expectations for me, but I hated to see that look in their eyes when I did something that let them down. They always joked that they didn’t have to spank me, just look at me cross and I’d crumble. This is very true.

Anyway, now that I’m a big girl, I’ve turned into my own parent. But not always a kind and supportive parent, sometimes I’m an all out Nazi Soccer Mom. I shout from the sidelines at myself and at the Refs. I flap my arms and punch at the air when the time on the clock runs out and poor little Sheila didn’t get one stinkin’ goal! What has happened to me?? Sometimes I wish I was the laid back Hippie Mom that says, “Hey, beautiful. You got out there and ran around. Doesn’t your hair smell like the wind?” Maybe it’s a balance between the Nazi and the Hippie. My inner parent pushing me to try and do well, but at the same time remember that life needs to be enjoyed. And that I need to be kind to myself.

So, that being said, I’m honestly wondering how kind my idea of trying to write a novel in a month really is. Probably not very, and probably the result of an Over-Achiever – which is what my bosses sometimes call me. Can I help it if I really like to do a good job?? Anyway, the thing is, I’ve signed up for this soccer league and I need to play now. The trick is going to try to balance my two inner Moms. Balance seems to always be the biggest challenge in my life, the thing I always strive to hit. Again, I try really hard. It boils down to this: If I don’t write a novel in a month, will I jump off a cliff? No. If I try my best but don’t finish or come up with some frustrating meanderings, am I going to be upset. Highly likely. Am I going to really try to do this but still have fun? Absolutely. Do I always ask myself questions and then answer them? Unfortunately, yes. I actually do. Don't knock it 'till you try it!

So, little Sheila, how did you do on last week's goals?

Not too bad. 

1. Figure out how Scrivender works. - Check. That was one long, crazy tutorial but I've got a handle on it.

2. Nail down story's premise. - Eh. I have a page of rambling ideas. I don't feel strongly about what I have, which makes me cranky. Thanks Nazi Mom.

3. Begin "Bare Bones" Character sketches. - Main Character, yes. Others not so much. Again, cranky.

4. Exercise 2-3 times. - Yeah, got 2 in. 

5. Focus at work so I don't have to work more that 8 (ish) hour days. -Check.

6. Go on my "Artists Date". - Yeah.... pretty much. I don't think I did a very good job on this. I did not come home inspired or invigorated. I feel like I've forgotten how to have fun. 

7. Figure out how to watch the Walking Dead. - No, not yet. Looks like I'm going to have to get the dang cable and hook up the Mac to the TV. Which I have surprisingly not done yet.

So, do I really want to set another bunch of goals? Not really. I know I need to exercise, I know I need to take care of myself. I know I need to get my story's foundation figured out. So, for this week, Hippie Mom is going to get a turn to experiment. My main goal is to try to be kind to myself everyday. 

Weird, huh?

Morning Pages

Honestly, I should be leaving for work right now, but I feel compelled to just take a moment here to post about Morning Pages. Not sure why, but let's just see what happens!

The "Morning Pages" is another tool out of Julia Cameron toolbox, which is in it's bare bones and surface glance, writing three to four pages of whatever comes to mind first thing in the morning. The task is to write it out, not type, a stream of conscious brain/heart download in order to reveal things that are keeping you stuck in whatever mindset that prohibits you from moving toward the things you really are and love.

When I first read about this task, I was a little afraid. I had journaled before. When I was in my early thirties, I was going through a huge identity crisis. Over the prior ten years or so, I had managed to completely lose and bury who I was at my core and when I had finally come to realize that, my life felt like a complete disturbing mess. I was depressed and searched for various ways to deal with it when I finally decided to journal (Thank you to the movie "Girl Interrupted" where the main character deals with her issues through journaling. It was a good idea!). So, I would spend hours and hours writing, dumping, crying and complaining in my Composition books. It was a dark time, no doubt. So, the thought of journaling again activated some cell memories that I must be depressed. Except I wasn't.

I had to rethink how I felt about Morning Pages and use it to connect to myself and not as a channel to complain. What I found and experienced was tremendous from the get-go. I've figured out quite a few things that were blocking me, reasons that were valid and dumb reasons that I had assigned. It's helped me to take responsibility for what I do and who I am, which is pretty dang huge.

So, every morning, I get up at 5:15 am and hop in the shower, doing the bare minimum to get ready for work. About a half hour later, I sneak downstairs, turn on a couple lights and sit in my corner office to say hello to my Morning Pages. At first I usually whine a little, say that I have nothing really on my mind. Pick at my cuticles, stare around the living room and wish I didn't have some terrible but catchy song running through my head. And then it happens. Some internal door opens and a conversation starts. Sometimes it's philosophical (Does God ever get disappointed when he tells me to do something and I don't listen? Does he ever regret Free Will? Hey, wait a minute. It's a lot like when I get frustrated when I give my kids super great advice and they don't listen. They have free will. Does that mean I have a God complex? No, but it helps me to love and accept my children's decisions that much more). Sometimes it's revealing (Hey, you know how you always blamed your Ex on the fact that you can't do creative things because he'd get mad and say you were taking time away from the family. Guess what, that's crap. You would quit doing creative things because you were afraid you simply weren't good enough to make a living at it and fear of failure is way more powerful than someone else's idea of what you're doing. Crap. That one's on me). And sometimes it's bits and pieces of what I'm working on.

That's what's happening this week in my Morning Pages. I whine for a bit, then say I have nothing to say, then all of a sudden an expanded premise to my novel pops in my mind and there I am, working on my novel. This morning I ran out of things to say, looked up and saw my main character, plain as day. There she was, Jenna. I could see her as if she was standing beside me: every feature, her mannerisms, her fears and insecurities. Then her sister showed up. She didn't tell me her name, but gave me a lot of great information.

So, was it wrong to mull-task in my Morning Pages? Here's the thing. Most people that knows me understands that I am not religious. At all. However, those who know me well understand that I am very spiritual. I don't adopt other's views of God, the Creator, and how or who he is. I have and believe in my own connection with him. It's personal and I value it greatly. I understand that when I'm trying to connect with myself, I'm really trying to connect with Him. And I also believe he gives me exactly what I need, even if I don't really like it. Hopefully I listen. I don't always. Dang that free will. Anyway, I have to believe that while I'm sitting at in my Corner Office at the crack of dark, he's giving me exactly what I need as long as I am open to it. So, if I need some philosophical advise, a brick to the head or insight into my project, who am I to turn that away??

Also, this process takes about an hour and I find that the house starts waking up and multiple bodies start roaming around at about the top of page three. Which is usually a very critical point in the process. When focusing and connecting start to become muddy, and my husband Marc has left our bedroom and come downstairs, I then relocate to my Second Floor Office. And shut the door. This office is somewhat tainted by the fact that I've done my day job there at night when there wasn't enough time in the day to get the job done. However, it's a good place to finish up my morning connection.

Ok, it's crazy late and have to get to my Day Job. Have a good one!

Goals for Week of Oct 15th, 2012

Whenever faced with a huge project at work, I have to break it down into smaller pieces in order to not just stay on track, but to also keep some sense of sanity ( which in all honesty is a highly debatable state). So, it's only natural that I take this rather large task ahead of me now and try to break it down into more manageable chunks - and hopefully this will keep me from getting too crazy.

But, before I get into those, I like to give my week a theme; something for me to chew on during the week, something that might strike a chord when I'm starting to feel pissy. Lately, I've been posting these on the fridge, at eye level above the water dispenser. Just in case I need a nudge. Or/And just in case any one else might find some truth in it for themselves. You never know. For this week, the birth of a new process and project, this one seems only fitting:

"Though no one can go back and make a brand-new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand-new ending." - Carl Bard

Alrighty, that will do it! Here's this week's goals:

1. Figure out how Scrivender works. I realized that straight typing out my novel onto a word-type doc, juggling multiple story lines, plots, etc might not be the best way to handle it, so I looked into software that organizes all this already. I chose Scrivender and it has quite a lengthy tutorial. So, before I can do much, I'd better figure out how to optimize this sucker.

2. Nail down the story's premise. I have a good, basic idea, but it needs to be fleshed out so I can understand what I've got.

3. Begin "bare-bones" character sketches. I don't need to get too involved yet, but I'll need to get a basic idea of who I'm going to be spending time with. Very soon I'll be getting to know these guys more and figure out how they affect/interact with each other.

4. Exercise 2-3 times this week. This is going to be really important for me. This is where I can let loose a bit, release some stress and hopefully avoid the dreaded migraines

5. Focus at work so I don't have to work more than 8 (ish) hour days. Off time is precious

6. Go on my "Artist's Date". This is a concept from Julia Cameron that simply states that in order to be creative, you really need to go have a little fun by yourself. I never understood how I could want to be with my loved ones so much, but really need just a short time on my own, doing something that I simply enjoy. Sounds slightly stupid, but I can whole heartedly say that an hour or so a week on my own has made a huge difference. For example, I skipped my "date" last week and by Saturday, I was so drained and exhausted. Sunday I took myself to a local farm that I've wanted to go to every fall, but kept putting it off. The bright colors of the leaves, pumpkins, corn against the cloudy sky; the sounds of some old dudes singing Van Morrison and a slightly inebriated couple dancing along, the smells of barbecue and pumpkin doughnuts, a jug of apple cider and an drive through the most beautiful countryside around and I was absolutely invigorated. It doesn't take long, but it's important!


7. Figure out how to watch The Walking Dead. Sorry, I'm not a high-falutent artist, I have weaknesses! And this is one that's going to be tough for me next month. I LOVE this show! The story and characters are fantastic. But, we got sick of paying $100 a month for TV, so we now have rabbit ears, which work great to watch the Voice (another indulgence, but one I can skip if need be). We have Hulu so I'm really hoping that it will show through there. Otherwise, I'm getting a dang cable to hook this here Mac up to the TV and I'm going to watch some good old fashioned Zombie killing with my family!

So, there it is. These things I hold myself accountable for. If I don't stay on top of the little pieces, time's likely to run away from me, laughing in that dang maniacal way that it does when I procrastinate. And I hate that!

The Where and The Why...

Ok, so the title of this blog is a little facetious. My Corner Office is actually a corner of our front room that I decided to claim. And front room sounds pretentious, but it's that room that no one uses very much, that harkens back to days when guests were entertained in the parlor. In our house, it's the place that you sit when something lame is on TV, or the Christmas tree is up and you want to look at sparkly, festive joy while sipping tea.

Our house is currently home to my husband and I, four teenagers (give or take one or two depending on the day and who's over) a dog, 2 cats (one which is fat and grumpy and the other who I swear is bulimic and who can't seem to keep her fangs in her mouth. Seriously, they are always on the outside of her closed mouth. Like a saber toothed tiger.), and one incredibly clever and loud parrot. Consequently, the moments of zen are few and far between, but that's ok. I love our big and jumbled family,  even Barfy the Cat. Maybe not always the bird. I try, though.

Back to my Corner Office. Mock if you will, but it is quite an efficient space! The footstool opens up and contains various papers, my laptop when I'm not using it, and a fleece blanket for when I'm chilly. Or whinny. The side table has a pocket area in the front that houses a few key books/journals, the back side has a ledge where I keep a few more reference books, and the top contains a lovely fake book that hides my pens, pencils, index cards, glasses, whatever. Next to that sits a very playful baby elephant. If I were to have a token animal spirit, I pick this one.


My objective in telling you all this (and yes, by you I mean any one who happens to read this. Or if no one does, the "You" that exists in my head that I have conversations with - don't judge me! ) is that I'm heading out on this so-called road trip with my writer self in hopes to create something great, or at the very least something that I feel great about. And, this very space is where I'll be doing quite a bit of that. In my chair with my feet up on the handy footstool, Mac on my lap and likely coffee, tea or wine on the side table - depending on the time of day.


One last thing of note: I've signed up for NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writer's Month, for those who really like to say the whole title of things. This is a daunting contest of sorts, where you challenge yourself to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. Outlines and character sketches ahead of time are allowed, actual writing of scenes is not. So, as I move through this process my idea is to post my thoughts regarding it here; the good, the bad and the ugly. I make no promises to always have a positive outlook or be adult about things, but I do promise to simply do my best. Every day.

Alright, that's it! Have a good Sunday and I'll be back!