Sanity Check - Fail

What the hell was I thinking?

This phrase is almost like a mantra to me sometimes. I want that clock pendant thing that Hermine in Harry Potter had that let her do many things at one time so she could get more done. Here's the deal. I'm a mom. I'm a wife. I'm an analyst. I'm a writer. I'm at least those things, give or take the order, everyday. How in the hell am I going to be all these things to everyone, and still be myself? How did I think that spending a bunch of time writing, and maintaining a good paying job, and not neglect my family was going to work?

What the hell was I thinking?

Am I giving up on the idea of writing a novel in November. No. Have I gotten much done this week? Anything done this week? No. I've spent the week either doing things that were outside this process that were extremely important to do, or being exhausted. I don't regret any of them. I'm just saying, it's Sunday night, 9:10 pm. My family feels neglected and I haven't written one word.

What the hell was I thinking?

I want to cry, I want to throw something, I want to defy the need to sleep so that I can still fit writing into my life and not neglect my other roles. How does anyone do this?? November 1st is in 4 days. I have a premise, an idea of plot points, some character notes, no outline whatsoever and the look of disappointment on faces when I say I have to go do some writing stuff.

Sometimes I wonder why God gave me the desire to write but not the ability to take the time - or at least take the time and have it not affect my relationships. It sometimes makes me so crazy. Sometimes literally. I'm scared I'm going to give up because I feel guilty about the time taken from my family. Which is the reason/excuse I always give up. Sometimes it's valid, sometimes it's fear of failure. In this case, it's likely a mixture of both. I am unprepared and feel like I'm stealing from my family. I have to figure this out.

Well, I told you I was going to document how this process was going. The good, the bad and the ugly. What we have here is a 2-in-one. It's bad and it's ugly. I'm petitioning that the rename that saying to "the good, the fantastic, and the not so hot". Then maybe more good will happen.

I'm not giving up. I'm just incredibly bummed at the moment. No worries though, I'm sure I'll get over it. And maybe some magic fairies will also come clean my house. That too would be nice.