I'm My Own Soccer Mom

I seem to have turned into my own Soccer Mom. I don’t really have to explain that right? Well, just in case, here’s my thought on this. For whatever reason, I am very competitive with myself. I don’t really care how I measure up to others that much, but up to myself? Look out! I continually strive to be a little bit better, to always do my best, to improve and to grow. Consequently, I’m very motivated by achievements. Not money, not fame or popularity, but reaching whatever goal or bar I’ve set for myself. Not too bad, right?

This actually works out really well for me. I tend to not get hung up on things like “am I making as much as So-And-So”, or "Does anyone like me or think I’m wonderful?" Those things are lovely, don’t get me wrong, but I honestly don’t care that much about them. What I do care about is, “Am I doing the best and all I can do?”. For whatever reason, disappointing myself or not obtaining the level of work that I’ve set out for myself really bums me out. Honestly, it’s probably some deep seeded thing in my childhood, not wanting to disappoint my parents. Not that they ever set huge or crazy expectations for me, but I hated to see that look in their eyes when I did something that let them down. They always joked that they didn’t have to spank me, just look at me cross and I’d crumble. This is very true.

Anyway, now that I’m a big girl, I’ve turned into my own parent. But not always a kind and supportive parent, sometimes I’m an all out Nazi Soccer Mom. I shout from the sidelines at myself and at the Refs. I flap my arms and punch at the air when the time on the clock runs out and poor little Sheila didn’t get one stinkin’ goal! What has happened to me?? Sometimes I wish I was the laid back Hippie Mom that says, “Hey, beautiful. You got out there and ran around. Doesn’t your hair smell like the wind?” Maybe it’s a balance between the Nazi and the Hippie. My inner parent pushing me to try and do well, but at the same time remember that life needs to be enjoyed. And that I need to be kind to myself.

So, that being said, I’m honestly wondering how kind my idea of trying to write a novel in a month really is. Probably not very, and probably the result of an Over-Achiever – which is what my bosses sometimes call me. Can I help it if I really like to do a good job?? Anyway, the thing is, I’ve signed up for this soccer league and I need to play now. The trick is going to try to balance my two inner Moms. Balance seems to always be the biggest challenge in my life, the thing I always strive to hit. Again, I try really hard. It boils down to this: If I don’t write a novel in a month, will I jump off a cliff? No. If I try my best but don’t finish or come up with some frustrating meanderings, am I going to be upset. Highly likely. Am I going to really try to do this but still have fun? Absolutely. Do I always ask myself questions and then answer them? Unfortunately, yes. I actually do. Don't knock it 'till you try it!

So, little Sheila, how did you do on last week's goals?

Not too bad. 

1. Figure out how Scrivender works. - Check. That was one long, crazy tutorial but I've got a handle on it.

2. Nail down story's premise. - Eh. I have a page of rambling ideas. I don't feel strongly about what I have, which makes me cranky. Thanks Nazi Mom.

3. Begin "Bare Bones" Character sketches. - Main Character, yes. Others not so much. Again, cranky.

4. Exercise 2-3 times. - Yeah, got 2 in. 

5. Focus at work so I don't have to work more that 8 (ish) hour days. -Check.

6. Go on my "Artists Date". - Yeah.... pretty much. I don't think I did a very good job on this. I did not come home inspired or invigorated. I feel like I've forgotten how to have fun. 

7. Figure out how to watch the Walking Dead. - No, not yet. Looks like I'm going to have to get the dang cable and hook up the Mac to the TV. Which I have surprisingly not done yet.

So, do I really want to set another bunch of goals? Not really. I know I need to exercise, I know I need to take care of myself. I know I need to get my story's foundation figured out. So, for this week, Hippie Mom is going to get a turn to experiment. My main goal is to try to be kind to myself everyday. 

Weird, huh?